Lately, my late dreams.

Lately, my late dreams have been caressing my deepest thoughts. I generally try and hold on to the things that I’ve learned just growing up as my own person. Yeah, it was tough, but the reality is that everything that I touch indirectly, lies solely with me. Destiny and life will come, yes, but the decisions you make impact the way life, destiny, and happiness will effect your life. I admit it, God, I made sooo many mistakes. And most of all the fault my own, but if I just lie here in my own self loathe what will i achieve. My mind gets the best of me most times, My pessimistic view as an adult, as a person in general. I strive to do more, to be more, to live more. I want to be carefree but I know this comes as a cost, and anyone who tells you different is a liar. I want to be an inspiration. I am my own person, I am an individual.

 

Lately, my late dreams lead me to a corridor,

It holds my hand, caresses my wrist,

strangles my neck, and clenches it fist.

Lately, my late dreams, turn for the worst,

they spit at me, constantly, causing me hurt,

Like a flower wilting, parched, stemmed in half,

The sun, like God, provides life at last.

Lately, my late dreams are an inspiration,

a dream of dreams, a field of desperation,

until hope shows its face, and loses adaptation,

My late dreams, become my early aspirations.

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Alone.

I feel like my life is going in a constant circle. I cant see my son as often as I like because he lives with his father at his great grandmas. This means I cant be the parent I want to be because they have basically taken custody of him. I can only see him 3x a week. I mean, I know that it could be so much worse, but I feel like everything is collapsing around me. I’m 22 with only a half a year of college under my belt, a baby i cant mother, who hasnt even learned his first words from me. who has yet to call me mama. I live 15 mins away from Glenmont station while working in downtown DC, sleeping on a floor with no vehicle and I am broke until next week. Previously I was living with my uncle with a curfew and no key. Sigh, its like im going through a mental lapse. I cant seem to find the positives in anything that I do. Everything thats going on right now feels like a continuous blunder.

 

At least 3 days out of the week I contemplate suicide. I never follow through with it, not because of my son, because I dont want to fail and have him taken away from me. I know how backwards that sounds, but I feel like im living the movie Losing Isaiah in real life. Everything that lead up unto the point of him living with his father was no fault of my own. I didnt get evicted because of me, I didnt get kicked out of my bf’s mother’s house because of me. Its so many incidents and I just want a break. Now Joaquin cant live with me because we dont have a babysitter or daycare center we can afford. I mean, I just want at least one break from life all together. I dont want to have to fight for EVERYTHING i love, or that produces some kind of happiness. I feel like im ignored when i have these feelings because everyone that i know has lived more fortunate that me. They’ve had a family to support them, a person to care, someone to fall on. I cant really say that I do. He has done everything to make me not trust him and it hurts.

 

I feel so alone. Super alone.  I just want life to at least consider me. I just want a normal family to support me. I’m tired of being by myself.

Wings of Past Love

I am taking off to higher air,

the clouds resting gently under my new

found wings. Wind, an echo of convalescence,

seeps slowly into my veins.

Spasms of endorphins hold fast to my

conscience, I am finding, expressing and

losing hope.

Walking toward you seemed easy, and

I, like cooled liquid, was sipped slow,

pressed down, found late, held up,

and tested faith.

Difficulty retrieving my lost item, searching,

pockets empty, mind waning, heart draining,

until I look upon your face.

A silent conversation, passing between

dilated retinas.

A lone smile, that sent me soaring.