I feel like my life is going in a constant circle. I cant see my son as often as I like because he lives with his father at his great grandmas. This means I cant be the parent I want to be because they have basically taken custody of him. I can only see him 3x a week. I mean, I know that it could be so much worse, but I feel like everything is collapsing around me. I’m 22 with only a half a year of college under my belt, a baby i cant mother, who hasnt even learned his first words from me. who has yet to call me mama. I live 15 mins away from Glenmont station while working in downtown DC, sleeping on a floor with no vehicle and I am broke until next week. Previously I was living with my uncle with a curfew and no key. Sigh, its like im going through a mental lapse. I cant seem to find the positives in anything that I do. Everything thats going on right now feels like a continuous blunder.
At least 3 days out of the week I contemplate suicide. I never follow through with it, not because of my son, because I dont want to fail and have him taken away from me. I know how backwards that sounds, but I feel like im living the movie Losing Isaiah in real life. Everything that lead up unto the point of him living with his father was no fault of my own. I didnt get evicted because of me, I didnt get kicked out of my bf’s mother’s house because of me. Its so many incidents and I just want a break. Now Joaquin cant live with me because we dont have a babysitter or daycare center we can afford. I mean, I just want at least one break from life all together. I dont want to have to fight for EVERYTHING i love, or that produces some kind of happiness. I feel like im ignored when i have these feelings because everyone that i know has lived more fortunate that me. They’ve had a family to support them, a person to care, someone to fall on. I cant really say that I do. He has done everything to make me not trust him and it hurts.
I feel so alone. Super alone. I just want life to at least consider me. I just want a normal family to support me. I’m tired of being by myself.