Starting Anew

I feel like starting over. Like this time that I’m going through is helping mold myself into someone better than I currently am. I’m finding clarity in the things that I did not see before. It’s so unsettling to know that so many people are always trying to steal your joy and happiness from you. Its a constant occurrence that used to leave me blinded by doubt and anger. Now that I’m growing and I’m seeing, I realize that its just pointless to be upset at something you cant control. that these people are unhappy, spiteful and mean. I dont want any part in that at all. Not to mention I dont want my son growing up like that. Judgmental, thinking that he can just treat people any kind of way because they think theyre right. And yes, it hurts, it hurts badly, but I know that these people will see because its not hurting me now. Its hurting them in the future. 

As much as I want to cry, I’m turning my life around. I’m seeing what everything is for what it is. Awake while blinded carries me nowhere unless I’m guided by faith. It’s all I have and its all I need. If no one will love me, if no one will care, need or have me, I know God will. And this is a faith that I have no problem defending. It hurts though to be treated like this. It hurts to be looked at like trash, but God is doing this for a reason. he has to be. This is something that occurs in everyday life. I love my son and if they really feel they have to use him against me as a way to hurt me, its fine. I will persevere. I’m starting over my life clarity, love and positivity. 



Oh My…

So this week is starting off interesting. I already cant stand the situation that I’m in. My baby’s father is working off pure emotion to spite me using my son in the process. I messed around with my best friends gf. Nothing happened. We just kissed. Even so I’m feeling so guilty about everything thats happened but at the same time I dont. I mean he lies to me just like he lies to every other woman. its so funny cause he’s the epitome of the kind of guys I just would not date. Then I realize that I we arent dating. We are friends with benefits. I feel stupid cause I fell for it, but its cool because I was vulnerable. Its sad because it wont be like that for anyone else. Back to roadblocks and the old me. And I was good as shit.


I cant help but feel turned on by what he does to her. What he says to her. He tells her he missed it, but i know what he really thinks. Is it bad that I like the fact that he may have fucked her before I kissed him? That there may be something left on him when I kiss him below his waist? Is this desperation? No, this is better. the voyeur in me, the love for lust. It overwhelms me. I am overwhelmed. He kissed me goodbye this morning. Does that resonate with my emotions? No. I am female, but I know what this is and I am okay. I cant lie, it does hurt sometimes, but I just have to remember. 


His gf did touch me though. She was lonely, I am lonely. Our company became something blissful and I gave into lust. She bit me till I came. (by my own hand of course) I want to say the way she held me, the way she gave me her fingers when I asked her to. This life I’m living. I swear its moving all to in stop motion cameras.

A monotonous road…

I’m spiraling again. Its been a long time since my last post. I guess this should be used as a diary, journal, whatever. No one ever reads these. A quick update, I am single and sleeping on my best friend’s couch. I’m in lust with one of my best friends. He knows this but I know I’m not number one, im sideline trash. you can tell me that you love me and think of me more than often and everyday, but you lay your head next to someone else. its kinda like the husband who never leaves his wife. im good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be with. its sad really, cause now the curiosity is gone. i just dont want anything to do with him anymore sort of. its like i care, and i wanted the sex part just cause i was curious. all these years have gone by and nothing has happened. i finally get my wish and i havent even had one orgasm, (minus the one i gave myself). its all so sad, so horribly sad. now, im texting him all the time. i used to crave to catch him alone, kiss him deeply, tease him physically, now that ive experienced it first hand, i cant really do it anymore. i guess its cause we havent fully fucked yet. no penetration till orgasm, just bursts of spontaneity, then nothing. its all so cluttered.

He says he loves me and means it, but he’s told it to so many other women. the only compliment i can believe is that im good at head, because the other women he loves dont give head. i feel so stupid being caught up like this, but i know its only cause im going through a breakup. i feel stupid sending him a text spilling my guts only to get no response, until i bring it up to him the next day. he said he appreciated it. it didnt mean more or less to him if i sent it or not. i actually spoke to him today about my own personal problems and he was so frank with me about his emotional detachments its only natural that he doesnt give a shit about me. or anyone for that matter. i cant love a person, excuse me, fall in love with a person like that. im rebounding hard as fuck, and i need to stop. i also dont want to become one of his exes who just text him sex shit all the time. i gotta be me in every way.


someone will come and scoop me up and right now, im in no rush. i need a job, car and then apt. room if i cant afford it. ive reached my clarity and no one can steal that. im so submerged in my own self that i cant even see my own worth. im always number 2. im so used to it, its unfortunate. im gonna have to abstain from sex for awhile. just cause i dont have anyone to have it with and use my handy vibrator. sigh. men are funny. thats all i can say. he boasts everything. the head wasnt even good. not even remotely. the first time we fucked he came so fast…what am i hooked on? he doesnt even care that much. hes not putting too much of anything emotionally forward. im so over people in general right now. fuck this, im sleepy. nighty night.

Lately, my late dreams.

Lately, my late dreams have been caressing my deepest thoughts. I generally try and hold on to the things that I’ve learned just growing up as my own person. Yeah, it was tough, but the reality is that everything that I touch indirectly, lies solely with me. Destiny and life will come, yes, but the decisions you make impact the way life, destiny, and happiness will effect your life. I admit it, God, I made sooo many mistakes. And most of all the fault my own, but if I just lie here in my own self loathe what will i achieve. My mind gets the best of me most times, My pessimistic view as an adult, as a person in general. I strive to do more, to be more, to live more. I want to be carefree but I know this comes as a cost, and anyone who tells you different is a liar. I want to be an inspiration. I am my own person, I am an individual.


Lately, my late dreams lead me to a corridor,

It holds my hand, caresses my wrist,

strangles my neck, and clenches it fist.

Lately, my late dreams, turn for the worst,

they spit at me, constantly, causing me hurt,

Like a flower wilting, parched, stemmed in half,

The sun, like God, provides life at last.

Lately, my late dreams are an inspiration,

a dream of dreams, a field of desperation,

until hope shows its face, and loses adaptation,

My late dreams, become my early aspirations.

Wings of Past Love

I am taking off to higher air,

the clouds resting gently under my new

found wings. Wind, an echo of convalescence,

seeps slowly into my veins.

Spasms of endorphins hold fast to my

conscience, I am finding, expressing and

losing hope.

Walking toward you seemed easy, and

I, like cooled liquid, was sipped slow,

pressed down, found late, held up,

and tested faith.

Difficulty retrieving my lost item, searching,

pockets empty, mind waning, heart draining,

until I look upon your face.

A silent conversation, passing between

dilated retinas.

A lone smile, that sent me soaring.


pressed behind my eyes,

the last of my inner thoughts.

the pressure that moves in a juxtaposition,

leaves me fragmented in a deep field of, a

long time aggravated dream of lost hope.

my loose-leaf sheets begin to blow effortless

in the wind, and my eyes close to feel the

freshness, the evaporation, the peace of mind within.

nothing is leaving me but the ill words, the past have-nots,

and will dos, no one can seem to feel the uncomfortable,

unless its a foot in the wrong shoe.


I just want to drift away and fantasize of better days,

where my memories aren’t slayed, by the lost and the decay

of modern society which entices me to pray, for the

lush and lavish and words i cannot say.

losing my temperament, i am. i am. i am.

seen, alive, uplifted, transcribed, long hosed,

loose leafed, transgressed and often shy.

dreams and fallacies, cause me to lose sleep,

often thought off by human nature, the things that

make me weak like, soft tears billowing down a rose petal,

and single drop that’s heavy like concrete.


i am. i am. i am. reconnecting, my lost hope.

Heart Shaped Line

The heart shaped line, placed delicately,

intricately over your breast bone. It lingers,

and wonders– placing a wholesome view, slowly

into my retina. Tracing a long line, I am halted,

tears falling like heavy rain, I am wilting.


This heart shaped line, how it reaches out to my fingertips-

pen in hand, ready to exposure, but I’m not-

crashing close together like metal upon metal, and

my hands melting, weeping at this sight of this line,

because it haunting…all i ever wanted to do was–

hold you. Placing me back at stage one, I am willing-

Palms up. Arms out, Soul open.

Nothing Looks Prettier Than Fresh Tears.

Nothing looks prettier than fresh tears,

they’re splattered like, cool liquid across a flat surface-

bubbling up, gushing over, watching me…

spilling onto your white shirt. I’ve wanted to tell you–

the languid look in your eyes, pedals me, gives me,

that motivation. Trust me,

nothing looks happier

than lying mouths. Lipstick that smears across–

spread like soft butter, its a sickness…the deceit,

the malicious, the spiteful.

And even though, your daggers pierce me,

cross me, touch me fluidly, i cant always say I’m sorry,

because nothing looks more beautiful, than when you smile.

New Found Light.

I’m losing patience with myself. I’m trying to love myself more but i don’t feel like I can because I don’t have the courage and the support I would like. I let people i care about affect me the worst. I just want to be understood in the way that he can’t. Constantly I’m hiding behind a facade because he wont understand me fully. he proved it last night and today. so i understand that i cant be the person that i am now. the person that i’ve grown to be over the years. the person groomed by unfortunate events and living situations. so how do i keep a relationship? sacrifice. i’m sacrificing everything, because i know that i cant do better. if i could, i wouldn’t have this as my journal. i want to channel everything i have into better positive thoughts and mold myself into a better me. it’s very tiring, but in the end you really only have yourself. you really do.. i’m going to this interview and call a potential job back. i have new-found light, i’m just wondering how long will it shine.

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