Oh My…

So this week is starting off interesting. I already cant stand the situation that I’m in. My baby’s father is working off pure emotion to spite me using my son in the process. I messed around with my best friends gf. Nothing happened. We just kissed. Even so I’m feeling so guilty about everything thats happened but at the same time I dont. I mean he lies to me just like he lies to every other woman. its so funny cause he’s the epitome of the kind of guys I just would not date. Then I realize that I we arent dating. We are friends with benefits. I feel stupid cause I fell for it, but its cool because I was vulnerable. Its sad because it wont be like that for anyone else. Back to roadblocks and the old me. And I was good as shit.

 

I cant help but feel turned on by what he does to her. What he says to her. He tells her he missed it, but i know what he really thinks. Is it bad that I like the fact that he may have fucked her before I kissed him? That there may be something left on him when I kiss him below his waist? Is this desperation? No, this is better. the voyeur in me, the love for lust. It overwhelms me. I am overwhelmed. He kissed me goodbye this morning. Does that resonate with my emotions? No. I am female, but I know what this is and I am okay. I cant lie, it does hurt sometimes, but I just have to remember. 

 

His gf did touch me though. She was lonely, I am lonely. Our company became something blissful and I gave into lust. She bit me till I came. (by my own hand of course) I want to say the way she held me, the way she gave me her fingers when I asked her to. This life I’m living. I swear its moving all to in stop motion cameras.

Lately, my late dreams.

Lately, my late dreams have been caressing my deepest thoughts. I generally try and hold on to the things that I’ve learned just growing up as my own person. Yeah, it was tough, but the reality is that everything that I touch indirectly, lies solely with me. Destiny and life will come, yes, but the decisions you make impact the way life, destiny, and happiness will effect your life. I admit it, God, I made sooo many mistakes. And most of all the fault my own, but if I just lie here in my own self loathe what will i achieve. My mind gets the best of me most times, My pessimistic view as an adult, as a person in general. I strive to do more, to be more, to live more. I want to be carefree but I know this comes as a cost, and anyone who tells you different is a liar. I want to be an inspiration. I am my own person, I am an individual.

 

Lately, my late dreams lead me to a corridor,

It holds my hand, caresses my wrist,

strangles my neck, and clenches it fist.

Lately, my late dreams, turn for the worst,

they spit at me, constantly, causing me hurt,

Like a flower wilting, parched, stemmed in half,

The sun, like God, provides life at last.

Lately, my late dreams are an inspiration,

a dream of dreams, a field of desperation,

until hope shows its face, and loses adaptation,

My late dreams, become my early aspirations.