Starting Anew

I feel like starting over. Like this time that I’m going through is helping mold myself into someone better than I currently am. I’m finding clarity in the things that I did not see before. It’s so unsettling to know that so many people are always trying to steal your joy and happiness from you. Its a constant occurrence that used to leave me blinded by doubt and anger. Now that I’m growing and I’m seeing, I realize that its just pointless to be upset at something you cant control. that these people are unhappy, spiteful and mean. I dont want any part in that at all. Not to mention I dont want my son growing up like that. Judgmental, thinking that he can just treat people any kind of way because they think theyre right. And yes, it hurts, it hurts badly, but I know that these people will see because its not hurting me now. Its hurting them in the future. 

As much as I want to cry, I’m turning my life around. I’m seeing what everything is for what it is. Awake while blinded carries me nowhere unless I’m guided by faith. It’s all I have and its all I need. If no one will love me, if no one will care, need or have me, I know God will. And this is a faith that I have no problem defending. It hurts though to be treated like this. It hurts to be looked at like trash, but God is doing this for a reason. he has to be. This is something that occurs in everyday life. I love my son and if they really feel they have to use him against me as a way to hurt me, its fine. I will persevere. I’m starting over my life clarity, love and positivity. 

 

 

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Oh My…

So this week is starting off interesting. I already cant stand the situation that I’m in. My baby’s father is working off pure emotion to spite me using my son in the process. I messed around with my best friends gf. Nothing happened. We just kissed. Even so I’m feeling so guilty about everything thats happened but at the same time I dont. I mean he lies to me just like he lies to every other woman. its so funny cause he’s the epitome of the kind of guys I just would not date. Then I realize that I we arent dating. We are friends with benefits. I feel stupid cause I fell for it, but its cool because I was vulnerable. Its sad because it wont be like that for anyone else. Back to roadblocks and the old me. And I was good as shit.

 

I cant help but feel turned on by what he does to her. What he says to her. He tells her he missed it, but i know what he really thinks. Is it bad that I like the fact that he may have fucked her before I kissed him? That there may be something left on him when I kiss him below his waist? Is this desperation? No, this is better. the voyeur in me, the love for lust. It overwhelms me. I am overwhelmed. He kissed me goodbye this morning. Does that resonate with my emotions? No. I am female, but I know what this is and I am okay. I cant lie, it does hurt sometimes, but I just have to remember. 

 

His gf did touch me though. She was lonely, I am lonely. Our company became something blissful and I gave into lust. She bit me till I came. (by my own hand of course) I want to say the way she held me, the way she gave me her fingers when I asked her to. This life I’m living. I swear its moving all to in stop motion cameras.

A monotonous road…

I’m spiraling again. Its been a long time since my last post. I guess this should be used as a diary, journal, whatever. No one ever reads these. A quick update, I am single and sleeping on my best friend’s couch. I’m in lust with one of my best friends. He knows this but I know I’m not number one, im sideline trash. you can tell me that you love me and think of me more than often and everyday, but you lay your head next to someone else. its kinda like the husband who never leaves his wife. im good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be with. its sad really, cause now the curiosity is gone. i just dont want anything to do with him anymore sort of. its like i care, and i wanted the sex part just cause i was curious. all these years have gone by and nothing has happened. i finally get my wish and i havent even had one orgasm, (minus the one i gave myself). its all so sad, so horribly sad. now, im texting him all the time. i used to crave to catch him alone, kiss him deeply, tease him physically, now that ive experienced it first hand, i cant really do it anymore. i guess its cause we havent fully fucked yet. no penetration till orgasm, just bursts of spontaneity, then nothing. its all so cluttered.

He says he loves me and means it, but he’s told it to so many other women. the only compliment i can believe is that im good at head, because the other women he loves dont give head. i feel so stupid being caught up like this, but i know its only cause im going through a breakup. i feel stupid sending him a text spilling my guts only to get no response, until i bring it up to him the next day. he said he appreciated it. it didnt mean more or less to him if i sent it or not. i actually spoke to him today about my own personal problems and he was so frank with me about his emotional detachments its only natural that he doesnt give a shit about me. or anyone for that matter. i cant love a person, excuse me, fall in love with a person like that. im rebounding hard as fuck, and i need to stop. i also dont want to become one of his exes who just text him sex shit all the time. i gotta be me in every way.

 

someone will come and scoop me up and right now, im in no rush. i need a job, car and then apt. room if i cant afford it. ive reached my clarity and no one can steal that. im so submerged in my own self that i cant even see my own worth. im always number 2. im so used to it, its unfortunate. im gonna have to abstain from sex for awhile. just cause i dont have anyone to have it with and use my handy vibrator. sigh. men are funny. thats all i can say. he boasts everything. the head wasnt even good. not even remotely. the first time we fucked he came so fast…what am i hooked on? he doesnt even care that much. hes not putting too much of anything emotionally forward. im so over people in general right now. fuck this, im sleepy. nighty night.

Lately, my late dreams.

Lately, my late dreams have been caressing my deepest thoughts. I generally try and hold on to the things that I’ve learned just growing up as my own person. Yeah, it was tough, but the reality is that everything that I touch indirectly, lies solely with me. Destiny and life will come, yes, but the decisions you make impact the way life, destiny, and happiness will effect your life. I admit it, God, I made sooo many mistakes. And most of all the fault my own, but if I just lie here in my own self loathe what will i achieve. My mind gets the best of me most times, My pessimistic view as an adult, as a person in general. I strive to do more, to be more, to live more. I want to be carefree but I know this comes as a cost, and anyone who tells you different is a liar. I want to be an inspiration. I am my own person, I am an individual.

 

Lately, my late dreams lead me to a corridor,

It holds my hand, caresses my wrist,

strangles my neck, and clenches it fist.

Lately, my late dreams, turn for the worst,

they spit at me, constantly, causing me hurt,

Like a flower wilting, parched, stemmed in half,

The sun, like God, provides life at last.

Lately, my late dreams are an inspiration,

a dream of dreams, a field of desperation,

until hope shows its face, and loses adaptation,

My late dreams, become my early aspirations.

Alone.

I feel like my life is going in a constant circle. I cant see my son as often as I like because he lives with his father at his great grandmas. This means I cant be the parent I want to be because they have basically taken custody of him. I can only see him 3x a week. I mean, I know that it could be so much worse, but I feel like everything is collapsing around me. I’m 22 with only a half a year of college under my belt, a baby i cant mother, who hasnt even learned his first words from me. who has yet to call me mama. I live 15 mins away from Glenmont station while working in downtown DC, sleeping on a floor with no vehicle and I am broke until next week. Previously I was living with my uncle with a curfew and no key. Sigh, its like im going through a mental lapse. I cant seem to find the positives in anything that I do. Everything thats going on right now feels like a continuous blunder.

 

At least 3 days out of the week I contemplate suicide. I never follow through with it, not because of my son, because I dont want to fail and have him taken away from me. I know how backwards that sounds, but I feel like im living the movie Losing Isaiah in real life. Everything that lead up unto the point of him living with his father was no fault of my own. I didnt get evicted because of me, I didnt get kicked out of my bf’s mother’s house because of me. Its so many incidents and I just want a break. Now Joaquin cant live with me because we dont have a babysitter or daycare center we can afford. I mean, I just want at least one break from life all together. I dont want to have to fight for EVERYTHING i love, or that produces some kind of happiness. I feel like im ignored when i have these feelings because everyone that i know has lived more fortunate that me. They’ve had a family to support them, a person to care, someone to fall on. I cant really say that I do. He has done everything to make me not trust him and it hurts.

 

I feel so alone. Super alone.  I just want life to at least consider me. I just want a normal family to support me. I’m tired of being by myself.

Wings of Past Love

I am taking off to higher air,

the clouds resting gently under my new

found wings. Wind, an echo of convalescence,

seeps slowly into my veins.

Spasms of endorphins hold fast to my

conscience, I am finding, expressing and

losing hope.

Walking toward you seemed easy, and

I, like cooled liquid, was sipped slow,

pressed down, found late, held up,

and tested faith.

Difficulty retrieving my lost item, searching,

pockets empty, mind waning, heart draining,

until I look upon your face.

A silent conversation, passing between

dilated retinas.

A lone smile, that sent me soaring.

Disbelief

pressed behind my eyes,

the last of my inner thoughts.

the pressure that moves in a juxtaposition,

leaves me fragmented in a deep field of, a

long time aggravated dream of lost hope.

my loose-leaf sheets begin to blow effortless

in the wind, and my eyes close to feel the

freshness, the evaporation, the peace of mind within.

nothing is leaving me but the ill words, the past have-nots,

and will dos, no one can seem to feel the uncomfortable,

unless its a foot in the wrong shoe.

 

I just want to drift away and fantasize of better days,

where my memories aren’t slayed, by the lost and the decay

of modern society which entices me to pray, for the

lush and lavish and words i cannot say.

losing my temperament, i am. i am. i am.

seen, alive, uplifted, transcribed, long hosed,

loose leafed, transgressed and often shy.

dreams and fallacies, cause me to lose sleep,

often thought off by human nature, the things that

make me weak like, soft tears billowing down a rose petal,

and single drop that’s heavy like concrete.

 

i am. i am. i am. reconnecting, my lost hope.